I thought it was time to post about my recent lack of blogging. I really didn't intend to be away from my blog this long, but I've hit a bit of a slump, ok, I should probably be more honest and just say that I'm really struggling at the moment. I thought I was just having a couple of bad days, then those days turned into a week, then weeks. I really thought that if I told myself that I'd feel better tomorrow, that this time would pass, but I've been telling myself that for almost two months now. The most annoying part is I really don't know why I'm feeling so down, when I analyse what I'm struggling with it doesn't really look like much on it's own.... but with all of it together has me feeling so overwhelmed. It might help if I write it down...
I'm really missing my mum lately. She died of leukemia 15 years ago and although I knew I wasn't 'over it' (you can never be over the loss of someone so close) I really was doing ok. Since having Cheriese her loss has really hit me again. Maybe it's the new mother/daughter bond I have now that makes me reflect on my own mother/daughter bond that I had with my mum, but isn't there anymore. I know that if she was still alive that she'd be such a huge part of my
I feel like I'm drowning in housework. My house is constantly a mess. I can't keep up with the dishes, washing, tidying up bedrooms, toys, even my new craft room is still in shambles. I've found going from 2 to 3 children to be a huge jump, before I know I had days where things were a bit untidy, but nothing like now. I just can't get it all done. In amongst the kindy run, the school run, breakfasts, lunches there's hardly enough time to play with my children, and trying to tidy up around a 1 year old is just impossible - while I'm putting away something my little miss is behind me pulling it all back out again. I don't have anyone that can help me out here. Steve does what he can, but by the time he gets home from work there's really not many hours left in the day, besides he works enough as it is. I don't have other family that I can ask to come help out. This just makes me miss my mum even more. I know how much she would've loved to come play with Jai and Cheriese while I got some things done.
I used to be a lot more social, these days I hardly ever go out. Jai has kindy in the afternoon and Cheriese has her afternoon nap, and I find the time in the morning is so short to plan activities. Then if I was to go out and do something, that's time I should be spending tidying up around the house anyway. I'm really missing my friends, we have changed Jordan's school this year and I've yet to make any real friendships at his new school. I miss the daily chats with the other mums that I used to have. But here I'm a bit of my own worst enemy as while I'm feeling this down I don't want to organise catch up with friends either at the moment. Arrghhhh, it's all so frustrating.
I'm so annoyed with myself for feeling this way. I'm trying to come up with words other than "depressed" as I just hate that term. I suffered from clinical depression several years ago and was on anti-depressants and I hated it. It took me a lot longer to get off them than I first thought and don't ever want to go down that path again. I don't want to feel like this anymore, I shouldn't be feeling so sad. I have so much joy in my life, especially my beautiful healthy family. They can bring a smile to my face just from a look and sheer delight from one of their prized kisses and cuddles. I wish I could bottle those moments.
I have other exciting things happening in my life too - I love my creative side and really hope one day to have more time to work on my little business. While re-organining my new craft room I've found so many lovely fabrics and patterns that I can't wait to make into wonderful things. Recently I ordered some of the gorgeous 'far far away' fabric by Heather Ross and just today my postman delivered the new "Kaleidoscope" book by Melly & Me. There are so many projects I want to do, I just wish the motivation and confidence to get started would come. I know that when I'm creating things I feel so much better about myself, but when I'm feeling so down I find it hard to do anything. Basic task like cooking dinner and making sure the dirty clothes are washed all seem hard.
This has actually turned into much more of an essay than I intended it too. I've actually been wondering, as I type, if I will even hit the 'publish' button. I'm not one to reveal such personal feelings on the www. I'm just hoping this will give me the push I need to try to accept some of the things that I can't change and to focus on the things that I can. If you have gotten this far, thank you so much for listening and if you have any good tips on getting out of a slump then I'd love to hear them.
I have been (slowly) editing some photos from recent events: Chereise's birthday party, mother's day and Jordan's birthday last month, so hopefully I will have some much nicer posts to blog soon