Wednesday, June 10, 2009

I miss blogging.....

I thought it was time to post about my recent lack of blogging. I really didn't intend to be away from my blog this long, but I've hit a bit of a slump, ok, I should probably be more honest and just say that I'm really struggling at the moment. I thought I was just having a couple of bad days, then those days turned into a week, then weeks. I really thought that if I told myself that I'd feel better tomorrow, that this time would pass, but I've been telling myself that for almost two months now. The most annoying part is I really don't know why I'm feeling so down, when I analyse what I'm struggling with it doesn't really look like much on it's own.... but with all of it together has me feeling so overwhelmed. It might help if I write it down...

I'm really missing my mum lately. She died of leukemia 15 years ago and although I knew I wasn't 'over it' (you can never be over the loss of someone so close) I really was doing ok. Since having Cheriese her loss has really hit me again. Maybe it's the new mother/daughter bond I have now that makes me reflect on my own mother/daughter bond that I had with my mum, but isn't there anymore. I know that if she was still alive that she'd be such a huge part of my

I feel like I'm drowning in housework. My house is constantly a mess. I can't keep up with the dishes, washing, tidying up bedrooms, toys, even my new craft room is still in shambles. I've found going from 2 to 3 children to be a huge jump, before I know I had days where things were a bit untidy, but nothing like now. I just can't get it all done. In amongst the kindy run, the school run, breakfasts, lunches there's hardly enough time to play with my children, and trying to tidy up around a 1 year old is just impossible - while I'm putting away something my little miss is behind me pulling it all back out again. I don't have anyone that can help me out here. Steve does what he can, but by the time he gets home from work there's really not many hours left in the day, besides he works enough as it is. I don't have other family that I can ask to come help out. This just makes me miss my mum even more. I know how much she would've loved to come play with Jai and Cheriese while I got some things done.

I used to be a lot more social, these days I hardly ever go out. Jai has kindy in the afternoon and Cheriese has her afternoon nap, and I find the time in the morning is so short to plan activities. Then if I was to go out and do something, that's time I should be spending tidying up around the house anyway. I'm really missing my friends, we have changed Jordan's school this year and I've yet to make any real friendships at his new school. I miss the daily chats with the other mums that I used to have. But here I'm a bit of my own worst enemy as while I'm feeling this down I don't want to organise catch up with friends either at the moment. Arrghhhh, it's all so frustrating.

I'm so annoyed with myself for feeling this way. I'm trying to come up with words other than "depressed" as I just hate that term. I suffered from clinical depression several years ago and was on anti-depressants and I hated it. It took me a lot longer to get off them than I first thought and don't ever want to go down that path again. I don't want to feel like this anymore, I shouldn't be feeling so sad. I have so much joy in my life, especially my beautiful healthy family. They can bring a smile to my face just from a look and sheer delight from one of their prized kisses and cuddles. I wish I could bottle those moments.

I have other exciting things happening in my life too - I love my creative side and really hope one day to have more time to work on my little business. While re-organining my new craft room I've found so many lovely fabrics and patterns that I can't wait to make into wonderful things. Recently I ordered some of the gorgeous 'far far away' fabric by Heather Ross and just today my postman delivered the new "Kaleidoscope" book by Melly & Me. There are so many projects I want to do, I just wish the motivation and confidence to get started would come. I know that when I'm creating things I feel so much better about myself, but when I'm feeling so down I find it hard to do anything. Basic task like cooking dinner and making sure the dirty clothes are washed all seem hard.

This has actually turned into much more of an essay than I intended it too. I've actually been wondering, as I type, if I will even hit the 'publish' button. I'm not one to reveal such personal feelings on the www. I'm just hoping this will give me the push I need to try to accept some of the things that I can't change and to focus on the things that I can. If you have gotten this far, thank you so much for listening and if you have any good tips on getting out of a slump then I'd love to hear them.

I have been (slowly) editing some photos from recent events: Chereise's birthday party, mother's day and Jordan's birthday last month, so hopefully I will have some much nicer posts to blog soon



Cass said...

Oh Natalie I am so sorry you are feeling like this. I have really missed your posts and I haven't even seen you on msn either. I don't think I have anything to offer as advice but I think I will drop you an email instead

Anna said...

Natalie, so sorry also to hear you are feeling like this. You are very missed on EB. I have days like yours when I feel everything is on top of me, the housework goes out the window, toys from one end of the house to the other and before I know it its dinnertime and I feel like I have achieved nothing. Don't get yourself down, but more importantly take care of yourself, and if you really feel like things are getting on top of you, take a break and ask for help. I know its hard, I am definitely not one to ask for help, but sometimes you just need too. Big hugs x

Little Munchkins said...

Oh Natalie! It must be so very hard for you and I am so sorry to hear that you are feeling down at the moment.

I can never get the house clean or housework up to date but I have just given up. With kiddies around, the house is never neat and clean as it should be. Think of it as the 'lived-in' look.

Hope you feel better soon :)

Helen said...

Oh Natalie, I'm sorry to read you are feeling this way. Your not alone in the drowning in housework, I was nodding at that part of your post. I always remember a saying I heard ages ago, "a house is not a home till you can write I love you in the dust" something silly like that. It will get better next year when Jai is at school full time, you'll have some lovely one on one time with Cheriese and then she'll have a big 2 - 3 hour nap for you, hopefully! And ordering fabric is an excellent way to feel better, don't stop that! And Bejeweled!! There is always that. Look after yourself. xx

Mands said...

Take care Natalie - I am so sorry to hear that you are feeling liek this. Sending big hugs xxx

Andrea said...

Natalie, I am so sorry to read that you are feeling this way. It is a good thing that you are able to identify and acknowledge your thoughts and feelings. I hope that you are able to find a way that can really help you out of it. Can Steve do any school pick ups or drop offs through the week? maybe that would free you up a bit.
Look after yourself. I hope you feel better soon.

Leah said...

Hey Natalie. I am sorry to hear you're feeling overwhelmed. The first year of your baby's life is FULL ON, not to mention your third child & a daughter to remind you of love lost with your Mum. You're doing it tough hon, and you're doing a GREAT job. I'll shoot you off an sms & see if you want to catch up, I'm just around the corner really! Love to you. x

Kylie said...

Sorry to read that you are feeling down Natalie.

I can only imagine how you are feeling re the loss of you Mum and all of the memories. I am having a tough time with the loss of my Grandfather and Uncle and some days feel just like you are feeling too.

I have found that doing the little things help. Start with clean teeth and a made bed of a morning - it is amazing how wonderful it is to walk back into the bedroom of a night time and the bed be made. Take it step at a time. I have also found that popping back onto EB and CM has helped - they are my with morning coffee girls. Try to make time for yourself - even if it is once a fortnight to do the groceries by yourself.

I also know how quickly Dr's want to put you onto depression meds - Is there anyone that you can go to talk to who you trust and will not want to push this back onto you again?

Hugs and Hope that you are feeling a bit better soon.

Carolyn said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Mrs Bloggs Cec said...

Natalie, i agree with all the advice said before me. i too felt alot like you as my mum died 2 weeks after the birth of my first daughter who is now 4. i cried alot and wished she was here and still do and everytime someone at mothers group complained about their mum or mother in law, i felt really sad inside because i would give the world to have mine here to enjoy my girls, i have 2 now.
You will get there, your mum is watching over you, be strong, try to take a little time to do things for yourself and don't worry too much about the housework, im exactly like you and its starting to come good xx big hugs

Carolyn said...

Natalie- im another one who was nodding away at some parts of your post. I have not lost my mum, but I too have an untidy house and my life feels like chaos.
I know that Winston Churchill used to have moments like this too (he suffered from depression) and he called it his "black dog".
Can I encourage you to chat to someone professionally.
And I agree with PP, clean teeth and a made bed make me feel wonderful. A 1yo, kinde and school runs are not fun at all (im there as well,) and it makes for a very busy time.

"cleaning the house while your kids are still growing is like shoveling sidewalk before it stops snowing" --Phyllis Diller.

AJ said...

Oh Natalie!*Hugs* hope you are feeling more 'with it' soon. Thinking of you!

Marie said...

I too am sorry you are feeling this way - I have been nodding along to quite a few of the things you said. No wise words of advice here, but just now that there are plenty of people thinking about you and hoping you feel better soon.

Cascade Lily said...

Ah Natalie I only have two kids and I agree with everything you said!

This place looks like a tip most days, but I figure anyone who visits and doesn't understand shouldn't have visited in the first place! I also have a rule - I only pick up all the toys/crap once a day after the kids are in bed. The place looks like a bomb hit it, but that's what happens when you have kids. I have no time for crafting right now, as stupid me is also studying one subject at a time! My husband understands and just does not comment on the messy house! LOL

Try to get out of the house as much as you can. It does wonders! Stuff the housework for a day or two. We can't do everything and having a happy mum and happy kids is much more important than having a House & Garden home!

I think you will see from all these comments that you are not on your pat malone! Yah to the wish-we-were-crafting-instead-of-cleaning sisterhood!!!!!!!!

Hang in there. In a few short years all the kids will be at school and you'll be able to do everything you want to do.

Liam's Mummy said...

I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better.

It must be really hard to be without your mum, and no, I don't think you ever get over it, nor should you.

Can you take some pictures of your fabrics that you have all these amazing plans for and just put the pictures up so you can get back on the blog-horse. I don't know if it will help with how you are feeling, but if you're missing it...

Please take care of yourself.

Ruth said...

Lots of love to you, Nat. My only tip is to give your feelings about your mum all the attention they need. In my experience with losing a parent, you can spend so much energy trying to distract yourself from how much it hurts, that everything else piles up. It takes everything you have and there's just nothing left for anything else. I hope by just giving those feelings a voice here that it will help. Take care xxx

Jennifer said...

Oh Natalie, as I read how you feel (and with my tears flowing), you make me think of my mum and how she must have felt. She lost her mum when she was 8 and had 4 kids without any outside help.

I remember my childhood for the things that mum did with us, for the painting and activities that we did, not for the pristine condition of our house. Plus I always remember that my friends house was way worse than ours (and with 3 boys it ours was no show home)

Remember that you are a great mum, you have three lovely kids who love their mum and that is the more important than whether your beds are made and your clothes are ironed!